What is a parent to do?

I've often been told that when it comes to parenting, there are no right or wrong answers. the thinking there is that every parent and every child is different. Some things will work for some but not for others. Since having a baby I've revised that statement.

There are no right answers. Only wrong ones.

It might sound defeatist but some days this is what parenting feels like. You can't do anything without being judged for having done it wrong.

The judgement begins before the baby is even born. If you choose to eat a soft serve ice cream or a piece of salami someone will judge you for putting your baby at risk of listeria. If you choose to follow the food guidelines to a tee, someone else will judge you for being neurotic. Everyone has an opinion on finding out the baby's sex, and they never say "I wouldn't". They always say "you shouldn't".

It continues the moment you leave the delivery room. "Breast is best" is drummed into you, with posters in every room and lectures from the midwives. Mothers who bottle-feed their babies often feel judged, whether they do so by choice or necessity. Yet mothers who breastfeed are not immune to judgement. They are made to hide from the public to feed, or be judged for public "nudity". While some mothers are judged for giving their child a bottle, others are judged for not giving their baby a bottle.

Nappies are the next mine field. If you use disposables you are judged for destroying the environment. If you use cloth you are judged for wasting precious water. And every nappy comes with a brand. Not using the most expensive and therefore the best nappy? Everyone can tell, becaus it doesn't have Pooh Bear on it, and they will pass judgement.

If you go back to work before your child reaches school age then you are "outsourcing parenting". But if you stay at home you are a "sponge".

The judgement is everywhere, about how you feed, dress, discipline, and educate your child. No matter what option you choose there is always someone waiting to tell you that you chose the wrong one.

It's lunch time and I'm in the shopping centre. What should I feed my child? Happy meal? Too much fat. Sushi? Too much salt. Jam sandwich? Too much sugar. Every option in the food court is going to come with a side order of guilt. Going to a cafe is just as bad. The entire kids menu is made up of fried food, feeding her any of it makes me a bad mum. But asking for a healthy option makes me a difficult customer. And other patrons judge me for being in the cafe at all, because cafe's are deemed a "grown up" place, and I am encroaching on their cafe experience.

Some parents do genuinely make very bad choices. But most are getting by with the options in front of them. If it's true that there are no right or wrong answers, then perhaps it's time we stopping telling parents that they have done the wrong thing.

Formula and cigarettes - spot the difference

This week in the news Dr Jennifer James was quoted as saying that baby formula should be issued by prescription only. The theory being that it would make formula less readily available, and would therefore boost breastfeeding rates.

Statistics have shown in recent years that breastfeeding rates in Australia are alarming low. Close to half of all babies are still breastfed at 6 months of age, down from over 90% at birth. This despite the fact the World Health Organisation recommends breastfeeding for at least two years. Meanwhile in many other countries such as Norway, breastfeeding rates are much higher. So it is understandable that Dr James, as well as others, would be looking for ways to increase the number of breastfed babies, hence this latest recommendation.

Personally, having to get a prescription for formula doesn't scare me. My child was bottlefed from birth, however this was not by choice. It was due to surgery I had in my teens that left me unable to breastfeed. I know that I could waltz into any doctor and ask for a prescription, and after quoting my reasons I would be given one on the spot. I am also not so naive as to think I would need a seperate prescription for each individual can, because I take several other medications for which my doctor gives me enough repeats to last me well over a year.

It also is clear to me that others would have no trouble obtaining that all important piece of paper. Already patients have ways to manipulate doctors into giving them pain killers, sedatives, and diet pills. I myself have gone to see doctors I have never seen before, asked for prescriptions for very potent steriod treatments, and have been given them with no questions asked.

It is a concern that it would create a further sense of guilt among mothers who find themselves having to resort to the bottle. Even knowing I'm physically unable to breastfeed I was still struck with the guilt of giving my child the inferior option. I can only imagine the guilt mothers must experience when they feel they have no other choice but to give up. Getting that prescription would be a massive inconvenience for a mother with cracked, bleeding nipples and a screaming, hungry baby. But if it must be done, mothers will do it.

Despite all this, I simply cannot support this recommendation. Because I honestly believe that it will not acheive the desired result of increased breastfeeding rates.

The recommendation to make formula prescription-only seems to be based on a number of assumptions about why mothers choose to give their baby formula. It is assumed that mothers don't know the benefits of breastmilk, that they are taken in by advertising, that they opt for the bottle for selfish reasons, or that they give up too easily.

Any mother would have to be living under a rock not to know the benefits of breastmilk. Even I have been known to chant the "breast is best" mantra, even though my children will never taste the stuff. The books all tell us breast is best. The posters tell us. The pamphlets. There is even a big red sign on the side of every formula can saying that breastmilk is better than what is contained in this tin. We are all fully aware that formula is inferior, so that assumption is wrong.

There is no advertising for formula. There are ads for toddler milk, but this isn't formula, it's a vanilla milk drink. One that no doctor, nurse, or midwife recommends using. One can argue that this is advertising by association, but bottom line is that from-birth formula has only one opportunity to win over a customer, and that is with the branding on the can itself. When choosing which formula to give my child we found ourselves choosing between the cheap one, the expensive one, the organic one, and the one with the bear, having no idea of the difference between them. So that assumption is wrong.

There can be no doubt that some people choose the bottle for selfish reasons. They don't want their breasts to sag, or they want to be able to drink, or they want the father to do the night feeds. However this is a small minority. Most mothers want what is best for their child, and would rather be whipped with a cat o nine tails than feed their child formula. So that assumption is, well not wrong, but not right either.

But the big one, the assumption that mothers give up too easily. This is offensive to so many people. Over 90% of babies are breastfed at birth, meaning that over 90% of mothers give it a go. Within a few weeks this number drops sharply. In the mean time any number of mothers find themselves in agony, exhausted, and desperate. At which point their own mother, their partner, or a friend says "why don't you give the baby a bottle?" And mothers listen because they have no-one else to give them advice.

I mentioned before that breastfeeding rates are higher in Norway. Well support for new mothers is also higher. In Australia new mothers can be discharged from hospital within hours of birth, after which support from health professionals is limited. In hospital staff are overworked and unable to give each patient the support they need. I cannot count the number of times I have heard a mother say they tried so hard to breastfeed, and feel they could have done it longer if they had more support.

That word right there is the key to improving breastfeeding rates - support. More support for new mums while they learn. If formula is available by prescription mums will still get it somehow. But if they have the correct support they might in fact find themselves able to breastfeed.

At the end of the day though, mums who bottlefeed also need support. While in hospital I had problems teaching my child to feed. Bottles are meant to be the easy way out, but they aren't always easy. Not to mention the judgements and the guilt, because what you're giving your child isn't the very vest. But really, formula isn't the end of the world. Many babies thrive on formula. So why can't we advertise it?

There are two products we don't advertise in Australia. These are formula, and tobacco. One nourishes infants that might otherwise starve to death. The other kills people. Why are these treated in the same way?

I agree that we should never say that formula is better than breastmilk, because it's not. But surely formula advertising can be regulated in the same way as alcohol advertising. Advertisors know what they can and can't say, and won't break the rules for risk of a fine. And surely this would make the choie easier for mums than having to choose between the cheap one, the expensive one, the organic one, and the one with the bear.

Customer Service - an obituary

Writing an obituary for customer service may seem a bit drastic to some. But the practice of treating customers with respect appears to be dying.

Recently a friend of mine went shopping for a bra, and being a larger lady like myself she went to a store that specialises in plus size lingerie. She was treated appalingly by the staff. One even had the gall to ask if she intended to lose weight.

While shopping for suits for our wedding my husband went into a reputable suit hire store. He was ignored by staff for over an hour. Once he finally got someone's attention he was measured, then told he "should have gone on Weight Watchers a year ago".

In a recent news article it was reported that a restaurant owner in Darwin told diners to keep their legs closed, and were told they had saggy tits and floppy c***s. The most disturbing part being the number of people in the readers comments cheering him on.

These sorts of stories are becoming all too common. While not all people face this sort of treatment, many are faced with indifferent, apathetic staff who are impolite and simply don't care.

I've worked many customer service roles in my time, ranging from waiting tables, call centre work, reception and staffing events. And at each of these roles I have been taught and trained to uphold a high level of customer service. It's not a complicated concept. You say please and thank you. You smile. When a person gets upset you keep your cool. And you do whatever is within your power to please the customer. Why? So they'll come back. So they'll tell their friends about that lovely waitress or receptionist that went above and beyond for them. You do it to keep your business afloat.

The thing to keep in mind also is that good customer service is essentially free. You have to staff your call centre and pay those staff wages. But for those staff to be courteous to their customers costs no extra. But it can mean the difference between selling a product and losing a customer. It can mean the difference between keeping a customer in the long term, or losing them after only one purchase.

Yet so many businesses today seem unable to grasp this concept, and continue to allow staff to be rude.

What upsets me most is the lack of customer service I have received at major tourism destinations, in particular the Blue Mountains and Noosa. Both utterly beautiful places, but both treat their tourists like they don't matter. The Blue Mountains is the place where I grew up, and I know just how many jobs depend on tourism for their livelihood. It saddens me to think that tourism rates could drop simply because a few shopkeepers didn't bother to smile at their customers.

All that said, the mantra of "the customer is always right" is a false one. The customer has rights, there can be no question. But the staff have procedures and protocols to follow. Some customers are just horrible - they will say and do anything to get their way. There are times when staff have to use a heavy hand so they don't get taken for a ride. I've been played more than once by a customer, and it is not a nice position to be in. However, it is possible to be heavy handed while smiling.

It's on that note that I urge anyone reading to speak up. When you feel you have received bad customer service, complain to someone. Write a letter to management, review a restaurant online, tell your friends the staff at that store were rude. If you are paying money, stand up for your rights.

The fight against fat turns nasty

In the last two weeks I've been faced with two different opinion pieces about fat people. And yes, that's what both pieces called them - fat people.

And both expressed the same sentiment. That people who are fat choose to be fat. They chose to eat burger and fries, and being overweight is the consequence of that choice, and if they wanted to be healthy they could simply choose to eat healthier foods and choose to do some excercise and all would be right with the world again.

I don't know either of the authors personally, so I can't completely judge them. But both have photographs of themselves on their blogs. The harsh truth is that you can generally tell a thin person who has always been thin from a thin person who used to be fat. And both these authors are the former - healthy, thin people who have never been anything but thin and healthy. Another harsh truth is that it's impossible to know how it feels to be fat unless you have actually been fat. Much the same as you can't fully understand the struggle of being indigenous unless you are in fact indigenous. You can listen to people talk about it, but unless you experience it you'll never fully comprehend it.

The difference is that people try to understand the struggle of indigenous people. Noone tries to understand what life is likee for a fat person.

In that regard I think some credit must go to Gwyneth Paltrow. Again she is thin and healthy and always has been, but in the film Shallow Hal she donned a fat suit to play someone much larger. I remember reading that one day she decided to experiment, and wore her fat suit off set. She found that not only did noone recognise her, but people were short and impolite to her, and most wouldn't look her in the eye. She got a small insight into what overweight people live with everyday, and the experience reduced her to tears.

One of the pieces I read, a parenting blog, tried to compare the third trimester of pregnancy to being overweight, and said fat people now frustrate her because she can't understand why they choose to live that way. Well I have been pregnant, and I assure you the two are nothing alike. In my third trimester my belly was huge. It pressed against my lungs, my stomach, my hips and my bladder and made me constantly uncomfortable. Just like the author I couldn't bend to tie my shoes, I couldn't shave my legs, and I couldn't keep up with others when walking. However, being overweight hasn't stopped me from doing any of those things, so the comparison it moot. Besides, no-one looks at a pregnant woman and thinks anything bad about her. They say she's glowing, and her belly looks beautiful. But as the other opinion blog points out, people are only too quick to judge fat people for being lazy, and for lacking self control.

What's more, in recent times they've stopped being quiet about it. In previous years it has been taboo to tell a fat person they need to lose weight and excercise. But no longer. Two blog posts in two days is quite indicative off that. I've experienced the same judgements elsewhere. On one forum I expressed how unhappy I was with my size, and how hard I was finding it to lose weight, and was essentially told to go away. It seemed noone wanted to hear my negative ramblings and excuse making. Except that I was genuinely trying to be positive and not make excuses, and I was asking for some support during my struggle. On another forum I said I was frustrated that I was always hungry so soon after eating breakfast, so I was told to eat eggs. When I explained (in great detail) that eggs aren't a practical option for me, I was told that I was once again making excuses, and that being the case I must not really want to lose weight.

I have fought hard with my weight for a decade now, and despite all that fighting I still have a BMI that is well above 40. Healthy eating doesn't come naturally to me. I don't like salad, or fruit. I do like vegies, but the lack of variety sometimes frustrates me - there's only so much carrot one girl can stomach, and drizzling them with honey to make them interesting would defeat the purpose. I also don't enjoy excercising. I have to force myself to excercise, which is made harder with a small child. She doesn't sleep much during the day, so I can't make much use of her nap times. They're too short to do much excercise. I also have no-one around to mind her so I can work out, and my budget won't stretch to join a gym with a creche. I can go walking while pushing the pram - but only when the weather permits, and it's now been raining for a week and a half. Not to mention I have to find the time and the energy, which some days just doesn't happen.

Again when I explain these things to people, I'm told once again to "stop making excuses" and that I "must not really want to lose weight". I've recently come to the conclusion that these two phrases actually mean "I don't know the answer, but don't want to look like an idiot, so I'll make it your fault instead". Because that's all it is. I ask a person how I'm supposed to excercise with all these challenges I face, and if the person has an answer, an option they think I haven;t conssidered, they'll usually tell me what it is. When they can't think of one they never admit they don't know the answer, they make it my fault by saying I'm making excuses. What's more, in recent times I've found they get quite aggressive about it. People have said rather hurtful things to me when I've been seeking help.

I'm not sure at what point it became alright to be mean to fat people, but it has indeed happened. Of course most won't say it to your face. More often they do it in writing, on internet forums and blogs, where the result of their words isn't so confronting. There is also the added benefit that on a forum you are encouraged to share opinions. If your opinion happens to offend or upset someone you simply have to remind everyone that it is just your opinion. Apparently on forums people's right to an opinion is so hevily guarded that they are not required to make apologies when something they say makes someone cry.

When a person is fat people immediately make judgements about them for it. Fat people are judged as lazy, uneducated, stupid, undisciplined, and lacking self control. In actual fact I am not lazy - I work very hard at my job, at raising my daughter, and at looking after my household and husband, and as a result of all this hard work there often isn't enough time or energy left to take care of me. I am not uneducated or stupid - I hold a degree, I have an above average IQ. My problem is that the education about nutrition, health, and excercise is confusing and contradictory. One source will tell me carbs are good, another will tell me they're bad. One will tell me swimming is the best exercise, another will tell me it's the worst. One will tell me that any amount of excercise is good for me, another will say any less than an hour a day will be pointless. I do lack self control, I will admit to that. But should that make it ok for people to judge me so harshly? I don't think anyone deserves such treatment.

I was always taught to treat others as I would like to be treated. The next time you decide to pass judgement on a person, consider how you would like them to think so little of you.

Equality - we all have to work for it

I was reading a popular opinion blog on a news site today, on the demise of the feminist movement. I think we can all agree that feminism isn't what it once was. There was a time last century when women held rallies and protests and burned their bras. In the century before that a woman threw herself under a horse for women's suffrage. But back then feminism was a good thing; a revolutionary concept. As the blog points out, today it has become a dirty word.

It's not hard to see why. Today if you call yourself a feminist you're lumped into a category of man-haters and bra-burners. In the readers comments on that blog you see some take it even further. They believe women don't want equality at all, but superiority. The believe women want to have their cake and eat it too, or the more modern interpretation they want everything a man gets, but still want special treatment at a night club.

I will confess that in my teens I got swept up in the wave of "Girl Power" that was generated at the height of the Spice Girls' fame. I wore the t-shirts, and I spouted all the sentiments. I never burnt a bra, but I wanted women to rule the world. But I was only 13, and didn't completely understand what feminism was about, I was merely caught up in the popularity of it. However, an epiphany came from the most unlikely of places; a science fiction novel.

The novel I speak of was The City And The Stars by Arthur C Clarke. For those who love sci-fi, this novel is a thing of beauty. Set billions of years in the future, when the Earth is in ruin except for one domed city. One page of this book changed my life. On that page the protagonist takes his ex lover to a part of the city that is quite cold, and so he gives her his cloak to keep warm.

It doesn't sound like much. Merely an act of chivalry. Except that in this future there is no such concept. In this city men and women are entirely equal. The man gave the woman his cloak out of guilt, because he had brought her to this cold place. Had she taken him, he would have been wearing her cloak. For me this was a revelation. From that page in that book I learnt what true equality between the sexes could be.

There are those who believe men and women in the Western world are already equal. Well, not quite. We've made progress for sure. Women can vote, we can drive, become a CEO, even the Governor General. Many news writers will quote that there is a difference in what women earn compared to men - I'm honestly not sure this will ever change. There will always be women who choose to raise kids rather than have a career, or choose a lower-paying job that better suits their family life. There is no shame in this as long as it remains a choice. But there is still a long way to go.

I recently heard a teacher complain that a student had asked to see her breasts. I read a blog where a woman was told she was responsible for having been raped because her behaviour made it seem like she wanted it. I've heard employers say they won't employ women of childbearing age, so they don't have to deal with maternity leave. I personally have been asked in job interviews if I'm married or intend on having kids - questions than an employer isn't really allowed to ask, but which I answer because I'm scared I might miss out on the job if I protest. Domestic abuse and rape remain at levels that are just too high. This is hardly my idea of equality, and I simply can't believe this is as good as it's ever going to get.

However, going through the reader comments on the blog I read, what really stood out to me was that many men seem to feel that in today's society they are downtrodden ones. This is not news to me, I have sat through a few lectures from men who believe women get special treatment and it's just not fair. The funny thing is that they're sort of right. But only sort of. These downtrodden males quote a few examples of how they are made to feel the lesser sex.

There are massive efforts to raise funds for breast cancer each year, but far less is raised for prostate cancer. There are hundreds of women-only gyms around the country, but none that are only for men. Women get the final say of whether they have a baby, and men are stuck paying the child support, not to mention paying taxes that award women the baby bonus, and soon possibly maternity leave too. Both sexes can be victims of sexual or domestic abuse, but women are encouraged to speak out. Men are more likely to keep quiet for fear of being labelled a sissy.

This thing we need to acknowledge though is that it has taken over a century of fighting for women to achieve these things. Two decades ago the only way to support breast cancer funding was to wear a pink ribbon, now the month of October is awash with pink products, but it took a long time to achieve that. We fought to get the final say over the children we carry, give birth to, and raise. Once upon a time we weren't allowed to speak out over domestic abuse either, because our husband was the boss.

Personally, I'd like to see all these difference be ironed out. If I could buy a bottle of tomato sauce with a moustache on it, in the knowledge the company would donate money to prostate cancer funding, I'd jump at the chance. I'd like to see some separated fathers get more access to their children, and more say in their upbringing, which currently the law doesn't always allow for. I'd like to see some men-only gyms open. Some believe there would be protests if a men-only gym opened, of women campaigning to be allowed in. But for as song as women-only and unisex gyms exist, I highly doubt that. It's not like the old days, we don't have women campaigning to get into the masons purely because it's for men only, they now have their own women only version. I'd like very much to see men seek help if they are being abused. But these things won't happen overnight. Women have had to work hard to achieve these great things, so men need to put in the legwork.

Now is not the time to rest on our laurels and say "this will do". Both sexes have to work towards true equality.